I Wish I Could Hate You
by Michelle Drake
Summary: What if Logan had decided to join Max on the space needle after “Hello, Goodbye” instead of Alec? M/L angst.


Author: Michelle D.R.A.K.E gyspsychic04@c4.com  
  
Author's Note: After Hello, Goodbye I was almost in shock. It has to be some of the best television I've seen in a long while. I got inspired and I created about five different ideas, so here is one of them. I decided that it would have been interesting if it was Logan that had met Max on the space needle instead of Alec. The ending scene with Max and Logan was so powerful, but I feel that there were so many things left unsaid between them. So, here it is- ENJOY! And please review! Also, in this scene, Logan isn't drunk anymore :) Okay . . . now that's all . . . so go read :)   
  
Summary: What if Logan had decided to join Max on the space needle after Hello, Goodbye instead of Alec? M/L angst.   
  
Spoilers: Hello, Goodbye  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Feedback: PLEASE, Please, please review! I absolutely LIVE off reviews . . . they are like oxygen! I am open to any and all comments! If anyone has any questions or needs a beta reader, please e-mail me at gypsychic04@c4.com. Review, sil vous plait!  
  
Disclaimer: *tear* I don't own Dark Angel, or any of the characters *sob*. They belong to the geniuses of JC and Mr. Eglee. If I owned DA I'd be the worlds happiest girl . . . so I guess I'll have to settle for being the almost-happiest girl in the world!   
  


. . .  
  
. . .I W i s h I C o u l d H a t e Y o u. . .  
  


Max sat staring over the darkened city, trying to let herself forget everything that had just happened. She knew well enough that as hard as she tried and as much as she wanted to, she wouldn't be able to forget. The pain in Logan's voice, the look of loss reflected in his eyes, the hurt etched in his face. She quickly wiped away a tear that she had let escape. She knew that it was for the best, but she didn't know that it was going to hurt so bad.  
  
At the sound of footsteps behind her, Max quickly wiped away another tear, not even turning to see who was there. She knew who it was already, and she wasn't about to give into what her heart was telling her.   
  
"What are you doing up here?" she asked quietly, making sure to mask her emotions.  
  
"Just thinking," answered Logan, not being able to quite look at her. He sat down next to her quietly, pushing his fear of heights out of his mind. None of that really mattered anymore.   
  
Max blinked away another tear. She wanted more than anything to apologize and tell him the truth, but she couldn't. Max couldn't let herself hurt him anymore. Maybe one day she would be able to tell him the truth, but she knew that day would not come for a long, long time. She silently wished that he would just leave. It was too hard to sit next to him when her heart and her mind were torn between what to do.  
  
Logan broke the silence after a long pause.  
  
"The first night I came up here to think, was the night after we took down Manticore. That was the first night I had realized how hard it was living without you. I thought that I had lost you for good, but even though I knew the truth, something kept telling me that you weren't really gone. My mind kept telling me that you were gone and never coming back, but in my heart it didn't feel like you were gone. I came back here again after the cure failed, feeling like I lost you once more," he continued his voice thick with pain as he remembered everything. "I knew that you were drifting farther and farther away from me, but I was still hanging onto the idea of me and you still being able to be together. As hard as it was, and as painful as it was, being without you was worse."   
  
He paused, as if it was all too painful to say everything outloud. "But now, as much I love you, I know that I've lost you. I've completely lost you, and I know that there is no way I am ever going to get back what I've lost. I want things to be the way they used to but," his voice broke a little, "I know that is never going to happen." Logan paused for another long moment, not wanting to admit the next part, but knowing he had to let it out. "I want to hate you," he said coldly. "I want to hate you for leaving me; for giving up; for breaking my heart. But I can't. No matter what I do, I can't hate you. I want to, I really do, it would be a whole hell of a lot easier than going through this. Loving you and not having you love me back, not being able to be with you, seeing you with him . . . " he trailed off heartbrokenly.  
  
Max sat there, fighting back tears, afraid to let Logan see how much his words affected her. She knew she had hurt him, but she had no clue how much until now.  
  
"I'm sorry," Max almost whispered. Her voice was so quiet that if they wind had blown a little harder Logan wouldn't have been able to hear her.  
  
"Your apology means nothing anymore," his tone harsh, almost unforgiving.  
  
Neither of them looked at each other, sitting in an almost comforting silence. They were both afraid to look at each other. It hurt too much. They both wanted to forget their pain, but they knew that it wasn't that easy.  
  
"Why?" asked Logan quietly. "Why him?"  
  
Max froze, knowing that she couldn't answer that question. There was no way she could hurt him anymore.  
  
"Logan, please don't make me answer that," she pleaded.  
  
"You owe me an explanation."   
  
"I- I don't know," she said reluctantly, not being able to cover up the sadness in her voice.  
  
"You break my heart, and you 'don't know' why?" he asked coldly.  
  
Max quickly wiped away a tear that had escaped, hoping that Logan hadn't seen it.  
  
"I can't be with you. I need to be with someone who I won't be putting in danger all the time . . . Alec has been through the same things. He understands me, we're both not like everyone else . . . " she trailed off not wanting to say anymore, hoping that Logan had bought the story.  
  
"Max, I understand you better than anyone else. I don't care about the fact that you are different from everyone else," he objected.  
  
"But I do care, Logan!" she spat back upset. She couldn't be near him anymore, it was too hard. She was about to get up and leave when Logan spoke up.  
  
"If you cared you would tell me the truth," Logan pointed out quietly. He knew that she wasn't telling him something. I know that you aren't telling me everything.  
  
"I am telling you the truth. Just leave me alone. You can't keep on hoping that we might have another chance. We're over," she said flatly, trying to cover up her real feelings. She knew that the only way that she could end things for good was to be mean. She knew that was the only thing to convince Logan to stop waiting for her.  
  
"Max, just stop it. I know you better than you think. You think I can't tell that you were crying? Do you think I can't hear the pain in your voice? I know you are not telling me the whole truth."  
  
"Then maybe you don't know me as well as you thought," she said taken aback a little. She knew that he was right, he did know her better than she could've even guessed.  
  
"Then tell me one thing," he paused painfully before saying it, "do you love him?"  
  
Max didn't know what to say. It was either she lied to him and hurt him more than she thought possible, or tell him the truth and be back to square one.  
  
Logan waited for her answer, hoping that she couldn't hurt him anymore than he already was. After an awkward silence Logan dared to look over at Max. He had been so afraid to look at her because of the hurt she had caused him that he hadn't even glanced over in her direction since he had began talking.  
  
He saw her crying softly. The sight almost startled him. He didn't know what to think. He was almost afraid to comment, but he had to.  
  
"Max, please talk to me. Look at you, you're a wreck. Just tell me the truth," he asked quietly. Do you love him?  
  
Max looked over at him, knowing that she had to think fast. She locked eyes with him, realizing that instead of the absolute pain and sadness that she had feared to see, there was still that small look of love in them. It made everything hurt so much more. Regardless of what she did, he still loved her as devotedly as before.  
  
"Logan, please leave me. I want you to leave me. I want you to find someone else to love. I want you to hate me," she managed through her tears. She couldn't have him love her anymore without a way for her to return his love. It hurt too much for her to bear.  
  
"Max, you know that I will never do that." He refused to listen to her. "I love you Max, and I will never stop loving you."  
  
"What can I do that will make you stop loving me?" she said quietly through tears. Do you want me to tell you I love him? That I never loved you? That you will never compare with him? What will make you stop loving me?   
  
"Nothing," he answered simply as he got up to leave. "I wish that I could hate you. I really wish that I could. Maybe that would be easier, but it all comes down to one thing. I love you. Nothing will ever change that," he said quietly as he walked away. He knew that it was over for good, but Logan couldn't help but feel that he still hadn't lost her, and that maybe one day she would come back to him, just like always.   
  
  


. . .E N D. . .  


  
Author's Note: I hope you liked it! Please *review*, and maybe I will get to writing some more fics :) Luv y'all!   
  
  


I.wish.I.could.hate.you.by.Michelle.Drake©   
gypsychic04@c4.com  


  
  



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